HOLY FOOD WARS! Today, the clash between religions seems as hopeless as ever. Across the globe, impressionable young minds are taking up arms in the name of fighting against other religions. People seem to have forgotten that religion is about peace and love. Every day on the news we see Muslims fighting Jews, Christians imprisoning Muslims, Hindus clashing with Muslims, and Mormons invading foreign countries. When will the madness end? Have we lost all decency and compassion? Is there nothing more sacred than respect for our fellow human beings? We here at Semination think this global religious conflict has gone way too far. All this talk about Armageddon is really making us wonder if there might be something else going on here below the surface. Could it be that people are really gunning for a final showdown between the world's religions? Kinda sounds exciting, doesn't it? To be honest, we are rather enthused by the idea of a big war between religions... but not just your typical, conventional warfare with planes and tanks and machetes. Everyone knows the Christians will win a conventional war. What fun is that? Why not even the odds a little and settle this religious conflict with some good old fashion fun? What we are proposing is, none other than, a global food fight! What?! That doesn't get your blood boiling? That doesn't bring the taste of blood to your mouth? C'mon, let's get cookin' here people! FORMAT & JUDGING In the interest of simulating a real armageddon-type situation with our food fight, we figured it would be appropriate to welcome some of the world's less militarized religions -- Buddhists, Mormons, Hare Krishnas, and Jains -- to the battle as well. Here's how our fight will work: I will give a brief overview of the dietary restrictions of each religion. After each religion has its chance to show how righteous its diet is, a group of handpicked experts will pass a divine judgement. Judgement will be based largely on how absurd and ridiculous each religion's diet might seem to people of other cultures. Extra points will be given for originality. Health and philosophical issues will NOT be taken into consideration. The best strategy here is to have fun and "shock" the competition with the most bizarre and/or ridiculous restrictions. Sorry, no divine retributions will be allowed against the divine judgement. For the grand prize, the winning religion will be allowed to eat anything it wants for one day, regardless of that religion's dietary restrictions. Our publisher struck an unprecedented deal with God the other day, and God said he would allow the winning religion to eat whatever it wants for one day. It's all good! God said he felt this would particularly motivate religions with restrictions against Philly Cheese Steaks, pigs feet, and oyster shooters. Let the Mock Food Eschaton begin! JUDAISM Judaism has some of the most famously extensive food restrictions, particularly with regard to which types of animals may be consumed. About 25-30% of Jews practice a kosher diet to some extent, usually meaning a refrain from eating shellfish, pork and pork by-products. But the vast extent of Kashrut -- Jewish food laws -- concerns the treatment and preparation of food. No zebras, camels, or badgers for those Jews! So say the Old Testament books of Leviticus and Deuteronomy, which expressly forbid eating any mammal that does not have cloven hooves and/or chew its cud. When it comes to creatures of water, Leviticus and Deuteronomy say Jews can eat anything with fins and scales. Sorry Jews, this means no manatees, whales, dolphins or porpoises... you'll just have to content yourselves with some gefilte fish. As for birds, both Leviticus and Deuteronomy say that "any kind of swarming thing that flies" is not to be eaten. Deuteronomy lists vultures, kites, falcons, buzzards, ravens, ostriches, hawks, owls, pelicans, bustards, cormorants, storks, herons, hoopoes, and bats. Of course, a few creatures you are not likely to see swarming in the sky are chickens, geese, ducks and turkeys... these are OK for Jews to eat. A notable exception to the "winged swarming thing" category, though, are locusts, crickets, and grasshoppers... God says eat these to your heart's content! Aside from Deuteronomy's prohibition against eating carcasses, probably the most unfortunate and inconvenient of the Kashrut restrictions is that prohibiting the consumption of rodents, reptiles, amphibians, and non-swarming insects. Just think of all those restless nights that hungry Jews have spent dreaming of alligators and guinea pigs, rattlesnakes, frog legs, and tarantulas. If you've made it this far, you probably realize what a mean-spirited and spiteful person this Jewish God is. It should come as no surprise that Judaism has as many rules concerning the preparation of food, as it does the selection of food. As with other religions, special care is taken to keep the kitchen free of non-kosher ingredients or practices. The most famous and strictly observed prohibition is that of mixing meat and milk. The Torah says this is to prevent the milk from getting homesick. And finally, in a nod to rival religions of the ancient Hebrews, Judaism expressly forbids Jews from consuming any wine or grape juice prepared by non-Jews. Though some might argue this was a shrewd economic move to increase the demand for Hebrew wine, the astute observer knows ancient Jews simply didn't want their people getting drunk off the wine of rival religions. HINDUISM You might think different Gods would agree on which animals should, and should not, be eaten. But the reality is that most religions have a favorite animal that is never to be eaten, killed, or abused. For Jews, that animal is the pig. But for Hindus, that animal is the cow. And though a very large percentage of Hindus adhere to a vegetarian diet, the only universal dietary restriction of Hinduism is the eating of cow. Though the Rig Veda and other Vedas -- sacred Hindu texts -- mention the sacrifice and consumption of cows in ancient times, it was not until the Mahabharata (circa 100 BCE) that the cow was elevated to its current status as a protected, sacred animal. In the Mahabharata -- a seminal Hindu epic -- one of its central characters, Bhishma, declares that no sacrifices can be made without butter. And, thus, cows became essential to the spiritual life of Hindus. While approximately 20-30% of Hindus are vegetarians -- the highest percentage among major religions -- many of Hinduisms sub-sects are 100% vegetarian. And two of them -- the Hare Krishnas and The Jains -- have taken vegetarianism to the highest levels possible (that is, without starving one's self). HARE KRISHNAS Basing their dietary guidelines on Hinduism's Ayurveda tradition, Hare Krishnas ascribe to the belief that bodily health is a function of properly balancing a person's internal levels of earth, air, fire, water, and ether. A person's diet has a great impact on this balance, and thus Hare Krishnas have a lot of fine-tuned restrictions and guidelines. Aside from the usual vegetarianism espoused by many Hindu sects -- which generally prohibit eggs -- it is no secret that to remain in good standing with Krishna (the god of the Hare Krishnas) one must refrain from eating mushrooms, onions, garlic, coffee, black tea, cocoa and -- to no one's surprise -- alcohol. Though Hare Krishnas are quick to point out the health benefits of their diet, the main purpose of the diet is to enhance one's relationship with Krishna. The reasons for the prohibitions against these foods are found in the Ayurvedic teachings of Hindu scriptures. According to these ancient scriptures: mushrooms increase ignorance; onions and garlic inhibit transcendance by clouding one's mind with "passion"; stimulants such as coffee and cocoa make it difficult to meditate by giving you the jitters; and alcohol makes one susceptible to the realization that the Hare Krishna religion might be a load of bullshit. And don't you dare think of eating that bullshit... it's a cow product! While the Hare Krishna diet might seem a little extreme, rest assured that another Hindu sect -- the Jains -- make Hare Krishnas look like the Hell's Angels of Hinduism. JAINISM Though certainly part of the Hindu tradition, Jainism is one of the most ancient religions known to man. Hinduism is widely considered the oldest established religion, but the origins of Jainism actually predate the Aryan invasions of India which led to Hinduism. The central tenet of the Jain philosophy is "ahisma," which means not commiting violent acts against living beings. Jains consider ALL life to be of equal importance, whether it is visible, non-visible, microscopic, multi-cellular or single-cell. Even viruses and harmful proteins such as Mad Cow Disease find equal protection under Jain law (those cows keep coming up, don't they!) As you might have guessed, Jain laws regarding diet are nothing short of exhaustive. In addition to your standard vegetarian prohibitions against meat, fish, and eggs, Jains do whatever they can to not bring unnecessary harm to the plants from which they get their food. While it is ideal to leave a plant unharmed, Jains admit this is not always possible. And they have been known to hurt a plant's feelings with bad looks and harsh words. This is strictly frowned upon. Jains also prohibit the consumption of many vegetables and fruits with high quantities of "life-forms". This includes root foods such as onions, garlic, potatoes, and other tubors. As well, fruits containing a lot of seeds, such as pomegranates, tomatoes, peppers, strawberries, okra, and kiwis are also prohibited. For all the lip service they give to life, it is safe to say Jains don't enjoy life as much as others. On the liquid side of things, Jains are not allowed to drink more than two glasses of water per day because of the possibility of consuming microscopic amounts of algae or moss. Actually, I'm kidding. But there really is a prohibition against alcohol, which I'm sure you won't find hard to believe. No, Jains don't believe alcohol contains living spirits. They simply believe alcohol is harmful to the body and might cause slight damage to your digestive system and maybe kill some parasites and microorganisms living in your body. This is not a joke. And the other reason for not drinking alcohol is that Jains are only allowed to eat bland food. Another problematic liquid for Jains is milk. You see, milk is not dead. Milk is alive. And after it squirts our of the cow, it goes through all the same stages as other life-forms. First is childhood (fresh milk), next comes the teenage years (cheese), then comes adulthood (rotten moldy muck), and then death (fertilizer). Honey also falls into this category of banned, high-viscous liquids. Though it is unclear if honey has a mucky adulthood or just dies after a brief crystalline puberty. You'd think all these restrictions would damn near cramp a person's style. But just imagine if, in addition to all these rules, you were not allowed to eat anything after dark. Needless to say, this rule didn't last very long. Scholars speculate that the ancient Jain prohibition against eating after dark was meant to prevent the trampling of bugs and such while walking in the dark. Or possibly it was that cooking food at night attracts flying insects which might inhale too much smoke and get emphysema. Other scholars think this prohibition was meant to encourage Jains to eat during the day, because it was thought that sunlight helps one digest food better. But maybe... just maybe... they did it to FUCK with people's heads. As was the case with most early Hindus, early Jains were actually allowed to eat meat if they "happened upon it," or if it was not intentionally cooked for them. Though it is unclear if this means they were also permitted to eat the ancient equivalent of road kill... one can only hope. And being the merciful creed it was, ancient Jains were allowed to eat meat in time of famine, or if one was suffering from a grave illness such as scurvy, the munchies, or sudden loss of faith. There are currently somewhere between 3 and 4 million practicing Jains worldwide. BUDDHISM While Buddhism is a pretty cool religion, it isn't nearly as imaginative or irrational as others when it comes to food restrictions. Most hardcore Buddhists, who are at all serious about their religion, follow a vegetarian or a vegan diet. And this should come as no surprise considering Buddhisms roots in Hinduism. But the reality is that your typical Buddhist in Thailand, Japan, and Tibet has no qualms about eating meat (or consuming alcohol), while Buddhists in China, Myanmar, and Sri Lanka generally follow a vegetarian or vegan diet (generally allowing eggs). While the Buddha never preached very explicity about diet, certain core principles of Buddhism make a vegetarian diet implicit. First, harming a living being messes up your spiritual path. Second, eating meat is essentially a self-inflicted wound. Third, it spreads bad karma. And fourth, it accelerates the death/rebirth cycle. ISLAM As the newest of the world's major religions, one might expect Islam to have some clever and imaginative dietary guidelines. But, as with Buddhism's relationship to Hinduism, Islam follows closely in the footsteps of Judaism. As in Judaism, Muslims are not allowed to eat pork, shellfish, or meat-eating land animals. Further reinforcing its dietary plagiarism of Judaism, Islam forbids the eating of animals that have been strangled, chased off a cliff, beaten to death, or found dead. There are only two major differentiations between the dietary laws of Judaism and Islam. The first is that Muslims are permitted to eat hares, badgers, and other underground-dwelling herbivores. In addition, Muslims are forbidden to consume alcohol in any form, whether as a drink or an ingredient in food or medicine. But there is one exception to this non-alcoholic medicine rule, given here by the preeminent Muslim scholar, Dr. Yusuf Al Qaradawi: 1. The Patient's life is endangered if he does not take the medication. 2. No alternative medication made from entirely halal sources is available. 3. The medication is prescribed by a Muslim physician who is knowledgeable, as well as God fearing. Well, at least it is nice to know that your Muslim doctor will let you have one last swig of Nyquil right before you kick the bucket. Just make sure you hide the halal medicine first. AMERICAN PROTESTANT The American Protestant is a bold and righteous creature. Instead of blindly following ancient tradition, AP's have adapted their religious views to meet the demands of modern life. First and foremost, AP's are primarily carnivores. Fruits, vegetables, and grains are used primarily as roughage or condiments. While most admit that some non-meat foods must be consumed for health reasons, all non-essential fruits and vegetables are highly discouraged, as they come at the expense of eating more meat. Only the least nutritious of vegetables such as fried potatoes and bleached bread are considered appropriate for daily consumption. Fruit is prepared with as much sugar as possible to cover up the presence of any vitamins or minerals. Preparing food from scratch is generally frowned upon in American Protestant culture. Generally, a member of the family, such as a Mom, will be designated to cook for everyone else, so as to reduce the possibility that any meat comes into contact with raw fruits or vegetables. Some scholars believe this practice can be traced back to the kosher practice of never allowing milk to come in contact with meat. In order to set aside as much time as possible for the most sacred of American Protestant rituals -- television -- food is eaten directly out of its packaging whenever possible. Many of you are, no doubt, familiar with what is known amongst AP's as the "TV Dinner". The widespread availability of microwaves in the 1980s heralded a golden age for AP's. The microwave enabled every Protestant to eat a hot, bland meal without actually touching or preparing any ingredients. Most TV dinners have small barriers between items, so as to prevent any contact between meat and fruit/vegetable items, and without which it would be considerably more difficult to watch TV and still avoid the accidental consumption of any unwanted fruit or vegetables. Unlike other religions, American Protestantism is not just concerned with the type of food a person eats, but much more concerned with how much of something a person eats. Above all else, the way to God is clear and unequivocal: binge eating. Though more than 60% of U.S. Protestants tell pollsters they would like to lose some weight... in secret they revel in obesity! Far from a stigma, being fat is an underground status symbol amongst APs. It is viewed as a sign of transcending the earthly confines of one's body. It shows devotion to the faith. Many foreigners are bewildered by the rampant obesity found in the U.S. But looks can be deceiving! Though APs are known to eat the food of other cultures, in particular Italy and Mexico... don't be fooled into thinking they have a tolerance -- let alone a taste -- for spicy food. Oh, no... APs are often incapable of taking even a few bites of a meal that contains spices such as garlic, cumin, or chile peppers. According to legend, spicy food is thought to invigorate the spirit and arouse an interest in foreign cultures. But the American Protestant must remain steadfast and determined! The key to heaven is retaining an eternally prepubescent relationship with food. In this way, American Protestants are able to stay young in spirit, and retain some of that youthful pudginess. THE WINNER Well, the food fight is over and it's almost time to clean up the mess. But before we call out our agnostic janitors, let's see if we can summon a little divine judgement here. Clearly, Islam and Buddhism lose major points here for borrowing so heavily from preceding traditions, and not really going overboard in any particular respects. This narrows the contest down to Judaism, Hinduism, and American Protestants. Both Judaism and Hinduism established the major dietary guidelines for subsequent religions such as Buddhism and Islam. But should we not also consider the virtues of adaptation and originality? For too long have people viewed religion as stagnant. And because of this, Semination would like to commend American Protestants for boldly going where no religion has gone before. We commend APs for their willing sacrifice of personal and family health. We thank APs for giving rise to a plethora of modern food staples: chips 'n' dips, TV dinners, 99 cent burgers, and Hot Pockets. One can only imagine how religions of the future will build upon American Protestantism. Total carnivorism? Cannibalism? Bulimia as sacred rite? One can only imagine.